I’m having such a difficult time processing this, and I’ve basically turned into stone for the past few hours. I love Robin Williams so so so much, and once in a while, celebrity deaths really hit you in a place reserved especially for the people you know best - your family. And like all of you, I feel like I grew up with Robin Williams. He’s made me laugh my whole life, and he’s made me cry. He was the first actor who made me understand that someone who can make you laugh the hardest can also have the greatest pain. He married drama and comedy. And he was so fucking good. I already miss him as if he were someone I had seen every day.
Depression is a motherfucker. And it’s hard, because even though it’s a big discussion now, it isn’t always. It’s difficult for some to understand that it isn’t just a phase or a habit you can kick. Just as you can’t decide to no longer be angry, you can’t choose to be happy tomorrow or even next week. Depression is a hole in your person, it’s someone you live with. Sarah Silverman described it as “feeling homesick when you’re already home.” I’ve had some form of depression my entire life (and this is the first time I’m writing that down, which feels odd), and the day I was officially diagnosed was like a slap in the face, but also this odd validation. Like, ok, you were right, you’re not just this miserable shell of a person, you have something living inside you, you don’t have to feel so guilty. And it is just a different way of life - it is not any less than anyone else’s. I’m not RW, I don’t know what he went through - what I feel is my pain, what you feel is yours. PAIN IS RELATIVE. But when I am at my lowest, I hold on to knowing that there will be a day when things are different. Do I know they will be? No. Is it selfish to end your pain? No, because that suggests your hurt itself is selfish, and that would be a very nonsensical irony, would it not? Control is limited. If I had control, I would be neurotically happy 24/7. What you feel is what you feel, and sometimes it becomes too much. But that doesn’t mean you can’t let someone in when they knock on the door. It doesn’t mean you should ever be afraid to let someone in.
My greatest antidote when I feel that nothingness creep in is to watch a movie. Buy a ticket, sit in the theatre in silence, disappear into someone else’s life. The room is so big, the space is so dark, the screen is so bright, that I have no choice but to get lost. Movies are the visitors I let through my door when I don’t feel like turning on the lights or going outside. I miss Robin Williams, because he was one of my visitors, and it hurts me especially because of the pain he was in, something I guess I know a little bit about. Pain can be shared, pain can be understood, pain can be eased, pain can be loved, pain can be heard. Never keep silent, try to never let that stranger inside your body win. You are infinitely cooler. <3